Made-up stuff

How I entertain myself, sometimes.


Closing comments from the 20th Annual Deity Miracle Guild Charity Ball

Well thank you so very much Zeus for the kind introduction. I know your mighty thunderbolt and ability to really stick it to mortal man in unfair and terrible ways inspires us all. And how about it for Zeus, folks!

It’s true, I am Odin Allfather. I am absolutely honored to be here with you on this fabulous, fabulous evening.

Who here can believe this is the 20th anniversary of the Deity Miracle Guild Charity Ball? There are so many thank you’s that I need to share, and I know I’ll forget someone, but here goes.

First, this year’s Chairs, Aphrodite and Eros. Wow. I gotta tell you when I heard the theme was Shot Through the Heart, I wasn’t sold. But then I got a box in the mail. And when I opened it up to discover a mortal heart with the time and date burned into the flesh, I knew we were in good hands. Sourcing all those hearts must have just been murder. Looking around here tonight at the quiver-shaped ale mugs, the gold and leaden arrow centerpieces, the giant sculpture of the guild logo made entirely out of congealed blood — everything is just picture perfect. What a fun, fun theme. Let’s have a round of applause for these guys.

Shout out to Quetzalcoatl for securing all of our silent auction items. I don’t know how you got that 100 piece Tupperware set, let alone those Ohio State / Michigan tickets, but good job, my friend.

And what a lively live auction we’ve just had! Ganesha, you really were the one to outbid  so quick on that paddle. Thanks for your generous contribution and I think you’re really going to love that ultimate vacation for eight to the HGTV Dream Home.

Last but never least, I also want to recognize Mount Olympus’s slave girl Nancy, who does all our accounting for us — all on a volunteer basis. We’d be lost without you Nancy!

Folks, let’s get to the real reason we’re here. This event — this amazing event — makes so many, so many miracles possible. Raa was able to unleash one of the biggest tidal waves Africa has ever seen. Jesus manifested an almost perfect likeness of himself on forty-five different food items, including a Cheeto, a Funyon, a fish stick, and a breakfast taco: previously uncharted territory. And in perhaps the greatest miracle of all, Buddha has engineered a zen-like apathy in so many Americans that they no longer care how obese they become. Those are just a few examples from the last year alone. This Guild is responsible for some of the most divine acts imaginable.

You all know sacrificing myself to myself upon Yggdrasil for nine long days was an amazing feat. It really launched my career. But afterwards, I tell ya, I was destitute. I promised myself that if I ever had the means, I’d help other young gods do amazing and wonderful things to make masses of mortals worship them. And that’s what this Guild is all about.

Now I know you all have your own festivals and sacrifices and temples to attend to, and so I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for being here. Now I’d like to introduce the chairs for our next Deity Miracle Guild Charity Ball: my very own sons, Loki and Thor. Come on up here guys. This is just one of the greatest moments for me. You never knew somebody could cry so much from one eye, did you?



SpeechLaura Rees