Signs out front of the Upper Buckhaven First Presbyterian Church, penned by the preacher after his wife left him.
January: Come to church now that your false god is back at the North Pole.
February: Peace in your heart or heart in pieces? Hey, it’s your life.
March: At the end of the rainbow is your pot of gold. Bring the contents to the offertory Sunday.
April: We know what April showers bring, but what are your actions bringing?
May: Look around. If all you see is flowers and sadness, we told you so.
June: In high summer, the son shines to reveal things hidden in darkness, and he is quite appalled at what he sees there, Kyle.
July: Freedom isn’t free, but free will seems questionable also.
August: If you can’t take the heat, read your bible. If you can’t read, you’re going to hell.
September: Back to school? You should have been coming to Sunday School this whole time.
October: Don’t be tricked by treats of the flesh. It’s probably not actually human meat.
November: Give thanks, even if you’re the turkey! Unless you’re the turkey that’s sleeping with my wife.
December: Go ahead and take the X out of Xmas. It’s hard to watch porn with all these kids around anyways.